2003-03-17 - 2:25 p.m.

�Anything else for you?�

�Yes, I�ll have a pack of Virginia Slim 100s, please � no, I won�t!�

I felt sorry for the cashier last night. He�s just doing his job and a crazy woman asks for cigarettes then rescinds her order just as quick, and with, no doubt, a wild look in her eye. God only knows why I asked for a pack. I haven�t smoked in over 10 years. It�s a terrible repulsive habit, it plays havoc with my breathing, and I gave it up for that reason! I haven�t had a craving for them in a forever age, so I was stunned when that request came from my mouth.

After I got home, I sat down on the couch and thought about what would prompt me to request cigarettes of all things. The black out distracted me.

We had sudden darkness for most of the night last night. I was watching TV as I ate grapes � always a good, nutritious dinner, when with a buzz and flicker � the lights all went dead. For a moment, my paranoia surged and I thought I�d been cut off. Ridiculous, considering I�m good with my bills. That doesn�t prevent me from being all paranoid for absolutely no reason. I quickly realized that it wasn�t just me, though. The streetlights were all dark and it was very black and complete. I just sat there for a few seconds�unsure if the light was going to appear again, but it didn�t. Luckily, I knew where a flashlight was, so I turned that on and tried to get through the night without light. Eventually I gave it up as bad luck, took my shower and went to bed. Taking a shower in the pitch black is a weird experience.

I stumbled over to my bed, trying not to kill myself on any edges or doorframes or (God forbid) stepping on the cats. At last I found the bed and climbed in, adjusting the towel that is always draped over the pillows. My body temperature is always high, you see, so unless I take a shower at night and wet down my hair, I�ll be on fire inside of five minutes. It doesn�t matter if it�s 3 degrees outside and ice crystals form in my hair. I have to have a shower or I�ll never be able to sleep. Or, conversely, if I do somehow drift off, I�ll wake up with a royal headache and feeling crappy. I�m sorry, but I didn�t sign up for this. I don�t deal with it if I don�t have to.

My friend Lee got engaged over the weekend. Oh, it was expected. She and Won have been together for quite some time and they�ve been talking marriage for a while. Over the weekend, he proposed and, of course, she accepted. She came over yesterday to show me her rock and I admired it, though I was as embarrassed as I could be with her seeing my wreck of a home. There�s a reason I don�t let people come to visit me.

Now I am the last. The last of the group in Woodbridge. I�m the only single one. Yeah, I knew this would happen. I knew that in the end I�d be the only one left. After all, look at my age. Look at my experience. The closest I�ve come to having a relationship is being used by a guy I knew in college who turned my head. I really was seeing moonlight and roses with him and then I find out I�m just something on the side while his real girlfriend is up in Boston. Can I see myself crazy with cats? You bet I can.

No wonder I subconsciously tried to buy cigarettes.

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